By Darrell Cuthbert
Howzit, can I sit here? I see your glass is empty, let me organise you another drink. Is that a Ford badge I see on your jacket? Good man, they're strong cars.
You know that reminds me of a funny story. It's about my friend that I'll just call D. Actually the D stands for Dave but he hates it when I mention his name in this story and anyway I've called him D since we were in high school. That's him over there chatting to the barmaid at the end of the counter, sure he'll come join us in a few minutes.
Anyway, me and my missus were having a braai there by D's place the other week when his wife comes outside and tells him she doesn't have enough mayonnaise for the potato salad she's making. So she glares at the beer in his hand and orders him to stop drinking and talking nonsense and go buy some more mayonnaise. D is used to being ordered around by her, in fact I call her sergeant-major behind her back but never to her face. I'm not sure which is more scary, her back or her face, but that's another story. Anyway back to the mayonnaise. So D puts down his drink and off we go, I went with for the ride and to keep him company.
We head down to the local supermarket and grab a bottle of mayonnaise and a spare bag of charcoal just in case. All is fine until we drive past a second hand car dealer on the way back and D spots an old Ford Escort standing in one corner of the lot.
Now I need to explain, D's hobby is fixing up old cars. Sometimes he sells them and one or two he's kept over the years. One of the things he's wanted to do for a long time is get hold of an old Cortina or Escort and fully restore it. D is a committed Ford man.
The sight of this vrot old Escort is just too much for him to resist and he goes in to see how much the guy wants for it. The dealer says he needs to get rid of it because he needs the space and will take two grand cash, but is has to be in the next few days or he's going to sell it to a panel beater for parts.
D looks very worried at this idea, you can see it pains him to think about the car being stripped into pieces. He decides then and there to buy it. I ask him if he's sure, D is not really known for being a spontaneous guy. He tells me he has some money saved up to buy parts for other vehicles he's working on and can just manage to raise two thousand in a hurry.
He makes the offer and asks the dealer how he can get it to his place. The dealer tells him the motor runs and it can be driven if he is careful with it. We go off down the road so D can find and ATM and draw he cash. He gets me to take his car home and tell his wife what's going on. In the meantime he will sort out the paperwork and payment. He promises to be quick and to join us soon. I take his car and when I get to his place the sergeant-major is waiting in the driveway. She grabs the mayonnaise out of my hand and then says,
"Why are you driving Dave's car and where the hell is he?"
I try to explain about Dave finding this brilliant Escort on the side of the road, a little worse for wear but she's really cheap and looks like a fun project to get in to. I don't know why but I always speak about a car as if it is a woman, guess it's a habit I picked up from D. D's wife freaks out and starts yelling at me,
"You take me to wherever that useless friend of yours is with her. I'll sort the both of them out, he's not going and spending his savings on some hussy. And he's not even ashamed of it, he sends you to tell me where he is. I'll kill him!"
I realise there's been a bit of a misunderstanding here. She's a bit hard of hearing you know. I read somewhere that being close to a source of loud and prolonged noise can damage your hearing. I'm guessing that her ears being so close to her mouth is part of the problem.
I try again to explain that its a Ford Escort not a hooker and he's wanted one for a long time. Either that or a Cortina. She doesn't hear me properly again and shouts at me again,
"Call Tina, just who is Tina huh? Is she his regular skelmpie? How long have you known about this?"
She swears at me a lot and threatens to kill me as well and then make me really pay.
This doesn't make sense to me, how can I pay when I'm already dead? But I decide arguing with an insane dragon is not a good plan and keep quiet while my missus tries to calm her down.
Fortunately Dave pitches up then with the Escort and she finally seems to understand. After she calmed down we all had a good laugh. It's still a bit of a sore point that he spent the money and decided to buy a car without talking to her first but she seems to have forgiven him.
I love to tease him though about the time he spent his savings on an escort and about his secret friend Tina.
Anyway boet, been real talking to you but I'd better get going before my own wife is the moer in with me. I had a hell of a job explaining away the earrings she found under the passenger seat in my car the other day so I have to watch my step.
Copyright D Cuthbert 2010